“Self-Importance robs you of the ability to extend grace”

Ouch. My husband made this statement to me recently as we discussing a conflict that I inadvertently found myself in. The statement rang true to me and convicted me more than I would like to admit. How often do I hold people to this standard that I create? Do I get angry, frustrated, annoyed, etc., when people don’t act the way I think they should? When I am hurt I respond defensively, protecting what I think is important. Ultimately I am saying that I am more important than they are, that my experience is somehow more valid. I’m letting self-importance take over. When I focus on myself and what I think I deserve, my ability to show the grace that I have been given is hindered. And it begs the question, “If I can’t extend grace, have I really even experienced Grace?”

As days went by and I pondered this statement, I found myself realizing that Self Importance not only robs me of the ability to extend grace to others, but it robs me of experiencing the joy of God’s Grace. The moment I think that I am important enough that I deserve something is the moment I cease to grasp grace. The very situation that prompted this statement from my husband is a great example. In one of my feeble attempts to apologize for the misunderstanding and hurt I caused this person, I found myself listing ways that I had been a friend, and I even said, “I think I deserve grace.” Yikes. Red Flags. Maybe I deserved some benefit of the doubt, maybe I deserved some merit, but deserve grace? Wrong word. Grace is a gift, not a reward.

Quite honestly, this is just a small illustration of an everyday problem in my life. I should wake up every day thanking the Lord for His Grace in my life—instead I wake up with me on the mind and usually that involves stress as I run down what must be accomplished. I puff myself up, I think of the good I have done or need to do and I let self-importance creep in coloring my days with illusions of what I deserve or earn or merit. And my view of God becomes shadowed by these illusions.

Whether it is verbal or not, I am saying, “Look at what I have done/am doing….I deserve some this or that. Or even “I deserve Grace.”

Daily, my self-importance rears its head and I choose my way, my ideas, and my plans over His.

But if I can be honest…..

This sin, this self-importance, this pride — this is the reason He came. This is the reason he died. This is the reason he bled. That is what my self-importance deserves, earns, merits.

When the illusion of my self-importance is shattered and I am blinded by the reality of the flawed, sinful human I am, this is when I can truly begin to see the vision of Grace.

The perfect holy Son of God took all my filthy rags, my sinful slop, my selfishness, my shallowness, my pride and he made me clean. He adopted me. He will never leave me or forsake me. He will never deem me not worth loving, a friend not worth keeping. He deems me a daughter of the King with all the rights and privileges that come with that. (Ephesians 1:3-14)

This is Grace. And where there is an understanding of Grace, there is gratitude. While self-importance focuses on what I am doing or have done, Grace focuses on what God has done for me. I can’t do anything but say thank you. When I truly understand the depth of His grace, grumbling, complaining, ingratitude fall away. And in its place is Joy.

Every single day. Every single moment. Every breath. Every provision. Every tear, every laugh begins to be seen differently.(Acts 17:24-25) Instead of something I deserve, something I have earned, it is all something I have been given. Instead of mourning or whining for what I don’t have, I see that in Christ I already have all I need.

Grace changes everything.

Grace allows me to see discipline as actions of a loving father, and I give thanks I am His. (Prov. 3:11-12) Grace allows me to see my to do list as an opportunity to serve him, to glorify him in all that I do and to give thanks for the abilities, gifts and blessings in my life that keep me busy. (1 Cor 10:31) Grace allows me to see trials and conflicts as times to learn and lean on Him, and give thanks for the deeper relationship with Him that grows. (James 1:2-4)

Self Importance robs us of Joy. It enslaves us to work.

Grace though, Grace breaks the chains.

Grace pours a new perspective over our every day.

Grace sings a song of joy and the lyrics of the song are gratitude.

In this world, I don’t think that I will ever fully rid myself of the thief of Self Importance. Some days the fight starts internally the moment my eyes open—(or the moment they are supposed to open and I am groaning at the alarm clock.) Some days the fight comes when someone wrongs me or accuses me of wrong. Some days the fight is waged when I begin to dwell on what I don’t have, what I ‘deserve’. However and whenever it shows up it’s a battle that needs to be fought with the Word of God. But it’s a battle that has ultimately been won by the Author of Grace.

And that should bring joy to the heart of those redeemed by Grace.

Some people may wonder where I got the phrase “Writing with Rocks” I thought I would share this story that I wrote a a couple years ago. It was the first time in a while that I had allowed myself to write and certainly the first time I ever shared anything publicly.

Yesterday, at church a friend laughingly asked who decorated our car.  Curious we went outside and on the front of our car were words and swirls etched in the hood of our red minivan.  Yes. Etched.  As our daughter skipped by, we questioned her and she said “yes, I did it”…”with a rock”.   Quite honestly,  I had to turn my head and laugh at the shock of it all.  Of my daughters, she was the last one I expected to be involved in vandalism!  . As the details came out, a memory that was blurred with all the other seemingly mundane experiences of life became vividly clear.

We were at a local restaurant that had a large selection of white rocks and brick walls.  As we sat out enjoying the beautiful weather one day our sweet girl discovered that the white rock ‘wrote’ on the brick wall.  In childlike innocence she excitedly proclaimed the rock “magic”. 

I remember smiling at her excitement and letting her believe the rock was indeed magic.  Fast forward a few weeks and now, my child who had had such excitement about the magic rock, was devastated at what she had done, discovering ultimately that the rock was just a rock .

I was so proud of her dad and how he handled it.  He was disappointed and frustrated, but he responded with such grace- loving and firm. He wrapped his arms around her and held her. My daughter could not accept this at first.  All she saw was her mistake.  With embarrassment and anger at herself, she ran from her dad.  She hid her face.  She shed tears and said she could not possibly be forgiven.   She did not know what she was doing would have permanent consequences, and could not accept it. She felt she did not deserve his grace, but that’s the thing with grace.  If you deserve it it ceases to be grace.   Truth is that is so me.  I hold myself to impossible standards of perfection, all too often falling prey to a false idea that I earn the love and grace given to me.  As I watch my daughter it pains me to see my tendencies in her, yet it opens my eyes to the folly of my ways.  When I ‘write with rocks’ my loving Heavenly Father teaches me the error of my ways, but he also loves me and holds me in his arms. He covers me with grace so that though the scars may last as the words in our car will last  my eyes can see grace in t them.

The gift of grace to my daughter was the first and most obvious lesson I saw in this situation, but as I dwelled on it further, I began to see another lesson.   When she first wrote with that rock, I smiled. I knew that there was a scientific explanation to the ‘magic rock’, but why dash her excitement?  I let her continue with the false idea of magical rocks.  Yet the initial excitement of the magical rock paled in comparison to the devastation and embarrassment of the permanent scars when she took that false idea to far.  As a mother, I honestly never counted the cost, never thought that she might do something like that, I never meant for her to be led into heartache from that simple false idea.  And while it was a mistake and in the grand scheme of things will become unimportant there is a lesson in that. How many times do I know the cost, know the depth of truth that is being ignored and do not say anything because I do not want to spoil the ‘magic’?   Joining in with gossip, repeating a lie, supporting a friend who has misplaced affections, family who have an idea that is not in line with scripture etc. Its so much easier to smile at their ‘excitement’ and even encourage what may seem small and innocent instead of speaking truth.   I’m helping them ‘write with rocks’.  And sooner or later the truth will come out.  The rock will be revealed for what it is, a earthly rock. The magic will disappear and the scars on this earth may be permanent.  Is the false temporary happiness of calling a rock magic worth the consequences?

Parenting is a wonderful journey full of highs and lows.  There moments that just make me laugh, moments that I’m so tired I can’t think straight, and then there are these moments.  The moments where in the craziness of our beautiful family, God speaks and the Rock of Ages writes upon my heart.   Moments where the roles are reversed and you realize that God didn’t just give her to me to teach her, but that He may teach me. May my daughter’s handiwork etched on the hood of the car be not just another problem to deal with but a reminder to be bold enough to call a rock what it is and to allow the Rock of ages to remind me of His grace for all the earthly rocks I have written with in my life.